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Jay
Corcoran, director of UNDETECTABLE, reveals the behind the
scenes story of the making of his film, showing specifically
the inside story of UNDETECTABLE, as well as allowing us a
glimpse into the creative process.
4/4/97:
After 6 weeks of meeting people that answered my ad, Peter Urban
agrees to be my first subject. I tape my first interview. In
addition to Peter, I have selected Matilde Garcia, Belynda Dunn,
and John. I want a couple of others. I'm trying to get a white
woman. I've met a few great white women but they are too scared
to go in front of the camera. They are afraid of being ostracized
by their families and neighbors in their suburban towns.
4/6/97:
Interviewed Matilde Garcia and her children. Cris and Simon
rode bikes. Carmen sang a song on a swing. Matilde had the house
and herself spotless. She doesn't stop. What a fighter!
4/27/97: After three shoots with John we decide to call
it quits. I can't beg someone to be in this movie. It has to
be a partnership. I felt like he was treating me like an indifferent
boyfriend. He was so withholding. No wonder he's single. I had
to coax him for an hour every time we did a shoot. This work
is too hard for that kind of s***. After ten minutes of shooting
today I shut the camera off and said, "I'm sorry this is
wasting my time. You don't want this and I don't have the time."
He was shocked. I was elated.
5/9/97: Joe Pennell agrees to be my third subject. He's
really smart and articulate. He's very normal which is a welcome
relief.
5/24/97: Brad, a straight black man becomes my fourth
person. He stares at the camera a lot and doesn't say a whole
lot that doesn't sound like he's said it one hundred times before.
Sometimes that happens with people in recovery. They adopt a
language until they can find one of their own. He came highly
recommended from a respected doctor. It's weird how you can
feel it's just not going to work out.
6/1/97: Was introduced to Paul, an ex-porn star. He's
really cute but can't look you in the eye or finish his sentences.
6/19/97: Three shoots with Paul and it's over. Lovely
guy but too far gone.. People keep telling me I need eye candy
for the movie to be a hit. I have sworn off on eye candy.
7/24/97: Belynda is going on the protease tomorrow. I
taped her intake with Dr. Rind and went home and filmed her
prayer circle.
8/23/97: After 36 hours, it finally hits me there is
nothing else I'd rather be doing than being in Boston recording
what I'm recording. Belynda gave a savage interview today about
the effects of the protease inhibitors. S*** everywhere. She
cut all her braids off. I turned a corner today. There is something
here. Not everyone is doing well and no one is saying a word.
9/16/97: Shot Belynda having her gall bladder sucked
out. They suited me up in a sterilized white suit that felt
like a large paper condom and allowed me to shoot the entire
operation. I had allergies and was afraid to make a sound. My
jump suit was soaked with snot and sweat. I have such renewed
respect for the medical profession. These doctors and their
staff are amazing. I am stunned and have nightmares of Belynda's
organs and operation for three consecutive nights.
9/20/97: I told Brad I have enough footage of him for
now. I can't penetrate him.
10/01/97: Carmen was suspended today. She accompanied
Matilde and Armando on their doctor visit. Matilde has to translate
Armando's appointment. According to the doctor, he's taking
too much Atavan. Matilde is so stressed and is doing way too
much. It was amazing watching the doctor go from Armando's exam
room to Matilde's room and back again. It really brought home
the gravity of their situation. No wonder Carmen was suspended.
10/03/97: A white woman agreed to be in the movie. She
comes highly recommended. Upon meeting her she is tougher than
I imagined. I was hoping for someone softer. We shoot. I like
her.
10/06/97: David Brudnoy, the WBZ conservative (libertarian)
controversial radio talk show host agrees to be in the film.
I didn't want anymore white gay men but whenever his name came
up around white gay men or liberals, people vomited such hateful
slurs about him that I had to see what all the fuss was about.
10/07/97: Peter is doing really well. He feels he doesn't
have AIDS. He feels great. His triglycerides are really high
and he wants to get on with his photography business and not
be identified with having AIDS.
10/9/97: Doris Lessing was on Brudnoy tonight. Met an
actual "Angry Young Man." She swears that none of the AYM knew
each other and it was all a invention of the journalists. She
said the Queen mother drinks champagne and eats petite fours
every day. She would like to do the same.
10/16/97: I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday.
Belynda gives a wrenching speech at New England Medical Center
stating why she is going off the protease. I tape another white
woman, Carole, who is fantastic. I wish I didn't ask Linda.
S***.
12/2/1997: There are moments in one's life when you are
aware of the moment you are in and you know in your heart and
soul that this is where you are supposed to be and you are so
grateful for the awareness because it happens so rarely. Today
I experienced one of those moments. I went with Matilde and
Cristoba to Children's Hospital this morning. In my initial
clearance calls with his doctor, Kathryn Sample, I could feel
she really didn't want me there because she knew this session
was going to be rough. Today she had to tell Cris he was starting
on the protease inhibitors. He was his usual adorable exasperating
self. After three rounds of hide and seek with the camera and
a 10 minute song and dance rif about Cruella DeVille that he
performed as he slid up and down the hall on his back, stomach
and head, he was asked to come into the office where Dr. Sample
and Matilde were strategizing with a group of social workers
on how to handle Cris's treatment. No sooner was the door closed
and the empathic Dr. Sample began her explanation of the drugs
that Cris backed away from them and turned to the sink. To drown
out her voice he turned on the water. Still able to hear her
he opened the faucet full blast and the water gushed out of
the sink and onto the floor. When asked to turn off the water
he started screaming and argued with Matilde and Cathryn. He
was "not going to take the medicine. Especially at school.
Then everyone would know he was sick." I was trying not
to breathe, trying not to bring any attention to myself. Waiting
for the cue from Cris or Matilde to turn off the camera, that
it was too much. The cue never came. I am knocked out at Matilde
and her family's courage as they continue to reveal themselves
to me. It is one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.
12/7/97: I could see the klieg lights slice the Boston
skyline and hear the fans roar as the young celebrities arrived
at their movie premiere as I walked to the subway to record
Joe Pennell's parents' 25th anniversary party. The stars and
writers were still in their teens. Trying not to veer into a
my-life-is-over-self-pity-spiral, I succumb within seconds.
Carrying my camera over my shoulder, my light kit, and tripod
strapped to my back, I know I have been given the wrong script.
I should really be working on a multi-million dollar thriller
with Reese or Winona with an all-star cast and crew of two thousand.
Instead, I am alone taking the subway to Somerville, to shoot
a family party. My delusions of grandeur thankfully erode when
I turn the camera on the family and Joe's favorite brother,
Alan, who, surrounded by many screaming and laughing family
members, asks Joe, "What's this for"? meaning me,
the camera. Everyone yelled out jokes trying to guess why I
was shooting, "dysfunctional families, alcoholism, Real
World", and Joe explained that I was making a documentary
about people on the protease inhibitors, a stunning silence
paralyzed the room. His brother, who clearly loves him and is
trying desperately to understand what is happening to Joe, hasn't
a clue what Joe is up against, falters. It takes a couple of
minutes of awkward silence to allow the laughter and the shouts
back in the room. Who needs Hollywood when you have Somerville?
12/8/97: Belynda looks fantastic. She dropped all the
weight from the drugs and showed off her slim chin and neck.
She also has a new boyfriend. I can't wait to meet him! He treats
her like gold, and calls her at least five times a day. I was
there for an hour and he called twice.
12/9/97: Bruds went to the doctor and is doing great.
He asked his doctor, Greg Robbins, if he was cured. Greg responded
"Cured is a word we don't use."
12/15/97: Linda broke her wrist falling down the stairs
of the "T" at Central Square in Cambridge. Needless to say she
is bummed big time.
12/23/97: Brought the Garcia kids to the Planetarium
at the Museum of Science. I brought them home and shot Cris
taking his meds. His social worker/nurse was taking his vital
signs. She asked Matilde if they received their Christmas gifts
from the agency. They didn't get anything, shoes, toothpaste,
nothing.
12/24/97: I met Belynda's daughter Hope, on vacation
from the Army. What a pistol. Just like her Mom. Also met Derek,
Belynda's new boyfriend. Very sexy. No wonder Belynda's so happy.
1/13/98: I shoot Joe at home with
Bill's mother and an 89-year-old boarder who lives on their
third floor. Joe feels like an old person at 37. After capturing
many of their conversations on pills, aches, and pains, I realize
their lives are frighteningly similar.
1/29/98: I followed Bruds around on his work day. I can't
keep up. Starting the day at his journalism class at BU I accompany
him from Channel 56 to Fox to WBZ. He is the one everyone calls
for a good sound bite. Today he was really in demand. It was
revealed that Clinton had an affair with an intern. Brudnoy
swears Bubba will resign within the next few months. I had a
great interview with David in the backseat of his limo. The
lights of Boston swirled behind him as one overhead car light
provided his only illumination as he talked about sex and dating.
He wants to have an affair. An intellectual with the looks of
Brad Pitt.
2/1/98: Linda hasn't returned a half dozen of my phone
calls. I'm losing patience and interest.
2/6/98: Anibal Castaneda is the final person to join
the mix. I shot him at his office at the Latino Housing Project
where he works two days a week placing people with HIV into
public housing. Often they are in shelters or halfway houses
when he sees them. He's getting married to the beautiful music
therapist Caryl Beth. She runs a music therapy group at the
Living Center. It was at her group that they met. They bought
a house together in Hyde Park and are now getting married.
2/7/98: Matilde wins the AIDS Action Spirit Award. She
looked beautiful in a new green dress from Marshalls. With Carmen
and Armando at her side she gave a heartfelt speech thanking
God and Belynda for all her help. Matilde was stunned that a
coke from the cash bar was $2.50. We both got indignant that
there weren't drink tickets for her. Belynda was there looking
like a movie star and so was Carole, the pretty red head. She's
everywhere I go.
2/23/98: I shoot Belynda and Carole shows up to take
Belynda to lunch at Bertucci's. I ask if I can tag along and
tape. I record the entire 2 hours. They are on fire. I could
make a movie of just their lunch. I ask Carole to join the project
since she has been a part of it over the past four months. She
agrees.
2/25/98: The drugs aren't working for Joe. His viral
load is way up. He tells his doctor he's going off the drugs.
They have an intense exchange. Joe seems to know more than his
doctors. He's so frustrated. He confesses to me in the waiting
room how he feels he's wasting time. It was such a weird framed
shot but he was so honest and vulnerable. I didn't want to move
him because I didn't want to disturb the intensity of the moment.
I just left the camera running as he is talked about the horror
of his situation in a hushed frustrated tone, wanting, yet not
wanting, anyone to hear his stifled scream.
2/26/98: "The s***'s working" for Carole. She
went off the protease inhibitors and started on Sustiva and
is having remarkable results. She and Lori her nurse practitioner
scream and laugh that "the s***'s working!" It's very
sweet. I drive with Carole and her husband Michael to some of
her appointments. He's very closed off. Hat and sunglasses.
Always looking away from the camera. He really doesn't want
me around.
3/7/98: I shot 4 hours of tape this weekend covering
Belynda and the week of prayer. She is really breaking down
the doors of the churches through her work in Who Touched Me
Ministry. She is demanding that ministers get involved in their
communities and address addiction and homosexuality and AIDS
in their churches. Although many aren't, some are. It's really
powerful witnessing some of the braver one ones that "come
out" and speak about AIDS and homosexuality from the pulpit.
It's what it's all about. Belynda got so mad at me when I was
shooting her leading the choir. The music was so loud I couldn't
hear anything and she kept yelling at me to get the camera and
lights out of her face. I was smiling back and she was getting
angrier and angrier. She didn't even speak to me when I left.
It wasn't until I went back and logged the tape that I could
hear her swearing at me! I called her to apologize and we both
cracked up. It's so funny, she's leading the choir up near the
altar and yelling, "Jay, get the f*** out of my face!!"
3/11/98: Went with Peter to the gym. He's really doing
well. He's getting his photography career going and doesn't
feel sick at all.
3/23/98: Brudnoy is the host of the Academy Awards party
at the Four Seasons. David shmoozes with the "acting"
governor, Paul Cellucci, Donnie Walberg and his mother and a
bevy of cute boys. They have figure skaters, Boston Bruins,
and some local stars. No one works a room like Bruds, he's seamless.
3/24/98: Armando and Matilde go in for their "marriage
interview" at the JFK Building. Matilde is a citizen, as
are the children. Armando is a Cuban citizen, has AIDS, receives
public benefits and has a prior criminal conviction that he
already served time for 10 years before. The appointment was
for 9:00 a.m. The judge took Armando away in handcuffs and detained
him on the 24th floor with no food and he could not take any
of his medications. They released him at 5:00 p.m. Shooting
the family reunited with their father in the JFK Plaza was wrenching.
How much is one family supposed to deal with? Yes, it's their
previous actions that got them in the situation they are in
but they have really committed to a life of recovery over the
past decade. Rehabilitation is not what this country is about.
There is talk of deportation proceedings against Armando.
4/1/98: Carole spoke before medical students in Worcester
today. I'm seeing more of this state this year than in my first
18 years of being raised in Boston. She whispered, "How'd you
get it"? into the mic. She did it a couple of times. It was
so haunting. She later qualified it to her students that everyone
when they first see her are dying to know how she "got it".
Pretty white women aren't supposed to get AIDS. When white people
see her it disturbs them on so many different levels.
4/2/98: Joe's not feeling well. He's pissed because his
doctor thinks some of his illness is anxiety and not physical.
He feels dismissed.
4/13/98: I was the Brudnoy circus today. After teaching
his class at BU I went back to his apartment, there was a photo
shoot in the late morning, a tv crew in the afternoon, a pretty
junior from Buckingham Brown and Nichols interviewing him for
a class project and then 5 hours of his radio show. He then
reads books until 1:00 am. A constant swirl is always happening
around him. This is what keeps him thriving, his constant engagement
with others.
4/14/98: I went to Anibal and Caryl Beth's house. I'm
struck by her intelligence and Ivory Soap natural beauty. She
is right out of those sixties commercials. She and Anibal are
splitting for good. He had a heroin relapse last year. She made
him move into a halfway house in Jamaica Plain. It's his addiction,
not AIDS, that gives her the most worry. She is really the best
thing in his life right now and he's throwing it away with the
illusion of being "free". He just doesn't want to work on the
relationship. She's really torn up about it. I feel like I'm
watching a slow motion car wreck where you know someone is about
to get killed.
4/19/98: I was at the Garcia's. Matilde was at work.
I was with the kids and Armando. Armando just got back from
dialysis. He is so-o-o sick! The kids are in and out of the
house as kids do. They are playing ball and riding bikes with
the other kids in the neighborhood. They get along pretty well.
Carmen plays handball against the wall with one arm behind her
back. It was so poignant—emulating her mom. I have all
these wonderful shots that speak volumes about the characters.
It's going to be such a challenge to get these little jewels
into the final film.
4/21/98: I was at Belynda's house at 9:00 a.m. She was
on her couch sporting a big black Shirley Temple type wig, smoking
cigarettes, wearing a white night gown talking to Derek, her
new boyfriend, from jail. He was arrested for delinquent child
support payments. Where is her story going? I followed her walking
into the jail. Cameras weren't allowed inside. I waited two
hours for her to come out. We had a great interview in her car.
He asked her to "jump over the broom", e.g., get married. She's
very excited. She looked great with her new wig and red pantsuit.
4/22/98: Carole spoke at Phillips Andover today. Kids
ask better questions than adults. They have less screens. More
honest. Carole is so good with people and great with crowds.
The girls were all crying and hugging her at the end. Finally
she had to back off and say, "Look, girls I'm all right! I really
am!" I guess they transferred their anxieties and fears about
their own mothers on to Carole.
5/6/98: I feel I had a breakthrough with Matilde today.
I was at her house at 7:00 a.m. as she got her family and herself
ready for the day. Normally she is dressed, the house spotless,
today she met me at the door, disheveled, barely said hi and
turned away and continued getting the kids ready for school.
This was something I always wanted to see but she never allowed
me to see. She never looked at the camera. She acted as if I
wasn't there. She was ironing, the kids were running all around
her, she had to be at work in an hour, the kids all had to be
out of the house in 45 minutes. Laurie, Cris's social worker
was pleading with her to make sure Cris takes his medications.
"Yes, yes, I know, I know", as she frantically finished
her ironing. It was one of the most riveting scenes I have shot.
This is going in the film. This is AIDS in America. This is
life in America.
5/18/98: Was at WBZ with David today. He was taping a
film review that he does with the WBZ Arts Critic, Joyce Kulhawik.
Today they reviewed "The Horse Whisperer." David called
it the "Stables of Madison County". They are a smart,
talented and hard-working group. David's contract was renewed
for another 3 years. He feels it's a real testament to the drugs.
He told me that as he was taking off his makeup in the bathroom.
5/20/98: I went with Peter to a work consultant. He's
doing so well that now he can begin his photography business.
He is really excited to get it going, kind of anxious, but who
wouldn't be? He's doing so well, except his triglycerides are
off the chart.
5/25/98: The scene I shot today with Carole and her doctor,
Lisa Hirshhorn, is the reason I am making this film. An unsuspecting
Carole went to her appointment to get her viral load results.
Understandably she was hoping there would be some good news.
She was excited and nervous. When Lisa asked her how she was
doing, Carole said, "C'mon just tell me what the numbers
are. We'll exchange hello's later." Lisa got right to it.
"They were essentially unchanged." Meaning the drugs
aren't working. She has to change regimens, again. Lisa took
charge, explaining that the drugs weren't strong enough and
began with alternative therapies. Slowly it began to sink in.
Carole, reached for a tissue. Bowed her head and said, "What
am I going to do if these don't work?" Then a flood broke.
The rage. The tears. Why? She had been faithful with taking
her drugs every day, on time. Carole said, "Do you know
what it's like going to a conference and hearing everyone doing
so well?" Lisa held her hand as she tried to comfort Carole.
"50% of the people on the drugs are having a lot of trouble"
said Lisa. It went on and on. Later she went outside and she
crumpled into Michael's arms. "They failed on me, they
failed." There is nothing on this planet that I would rather
be doing. This has been the greatest privilege of my life. I
cannot believe how fortunate I am to bear witness to these intimate
moments. I am amazed that most people won't go near an AIDS
story. It's done, over. Shattering moments like today make me
realize it is so far from over.
5/27/98: Joe and Bill were celebrating their 14th anniversary
in Newport, RI. He started feeling intense pain radiating up
his legs, and knew right off it was neuropathy. Sure enough
it was. He said it was the most debilitating thing that has
ever happened to him. John Mazzulo was devastated because his
viral load and t-cells were the lowest and highest, respectively,
they had ever been. Later that day I go to Jordan's Furniture
in Natick where Brudnoy is doing his show from the mobile studio
in the store's parking lot. He's a big celebrity in the suburbs,
particularly with women. One attractive woman in her forties
asked me, "But AIDS doesn't exist anymore does it? I mean
look at David Brudnoy, he beat it." Still shell-shocked
from the previous days of shooting, I had to stifle a scream.
I just said, "You should have been with me over the past
2 days and then you tell me AIDS is over. I was just with a
woman and a man in the last 48 hours for whom the drugs don't
work." "Women can get this?" she asked.
06/01/98: I get a hold of an old editing system and hire
David Young to start helping me sift through the 200 hours of
footage. We start putting the people next to one another and
start sketching the stories. Daunting, but very exciting. We
are also moving back to New York because Mike just became the
executive director of PEN, the writer's organization.
6/11/98: Anibal had what I thought was going to be a
routine doctor's appointment today. I spent all morning with
him at his halfway house shooting him as he meditated, had breakfast,
made his bed. Nothing was really going on in his life according
to him. We get to Lisa Hirschhorn's office, who is also Carole's
doctor and he tells the nurse that he thinks he might have been
exposed to hepatitis. I didn't give it much thought. When Lisa
meets with him she asks if he is having sex. He is no longer
with Caryl Beth. I know they are broken up for good. He reveals
to me that he really lost a good thing. I don't disagree. Anibal
says yes, he has had sex. "Using a condom?" Lisa asks.
"Yes and no." The woman he had sex with had a breakout
of hepatitis and he was afraid he was exposed. He didn't use
a condom. I wanted to stop the camera and shout at him, but
I took the cue from Lisa. She kept asking questions in a firm
nonjudgmental way. After their session I kept following him
around asking him, why? I wanted to understand. He had been
in chronic pain for years with no physical satisfaction and
here was an HIV positive woman that wanted to have sex with
him without any barriers. Because of his medications he has
trouble maintaining an erection, and condoms make it even harder.
6/12/98: As I am putting the movie together I fear that
I have too many people. I have three white gay men, two doing
well, one not. I'm terrified I might have to drop one. I can't.
I love everyone and they all add a specific dimension. I'm leaving
it.
6/18/98: The movie is leaden. I tried many configurations
and I am afraid Peter is going to be cut. Three gay men, 2 doing
well, one not, Augh! I need to do this before everyone meets
each other on the David Brudnoy's radio show tomorrow. We are
doing the final shoot tomorrow. I called him and went over to
his house. I would have loved to have left him a voicemail but
I knew I had to do it to his face. It was really tough. We cried
and hugged but I had to do it. I swore I would leave a line
in the credits, "To Peter Urban and his invaluable contribution
to the making of Undetectable."
6/19/98: They all met without a hitch. It was so touching
to see them all together. I was so thrilled. At first, Matilde
was really late and I thought she wasn't going to show. The
women thought Anibal was on cocaine because he wouldn't stop
talking and was all over the place. Belynda pulled me into the
kitchen and told me to "get him to shut up." But everyone pulled
through and did a great show and were very articulate and honest.
I am so proud of all of us!
6/19/1998: Principal photography with a surplus of 200
hours of footage was completed on June 19, 1998. George O'Donnell
(editor) and I work around the clock to get a twenty-five minute
work in progress together for the Independent Feature Film Market
(IFFM)
9/20/98: Sunday morning at 10:00am. The screening went
well. I got a lot of people to follow with.
9/30/98: It's a bust. Nothing from the IFFM except a
lot of cards and phone numbers. People say that is the point
of the market. Planting seeds. Harvest later. Spare me. I spent
my last $15,000 on the work-in-progress and now I have nothing
to move me forward. I guess I put my expectations too high.
I really thought something would come of this. S**.
1/15/99: Nothing has budged with my
movie and I'm back at my old supplemental acting job that I
did one day a week four years ago when I was performing Off-Broadway,
getting coffee for Calvin Klein. The agony is, I'm working here
full-time. Thank God the windows are sealed.
2/7/99: Three weeks playing a bailiff on "The Guiding
Light". Thank God. It's a reoccurring role I've done for
three years. It's money and I don't have to worry for a month.
I've really hit a wall on UNDETECTABLE. No one returns my calls,
letters unanswered. I'm so frustrated and don't know what to
do. I'm told sometimes it's better to do nothing. I don't believe
it.
3/18/99: After being rejected from eight foundations
I'm feeling really desperate. I call the digital guru, Bob Doyle,
in Cambridge, MA. I've heard about him for years but never met
him. He suggest I buy a G-3 and get radius edit-dv software
and edit myself. The whole system is less than $5,000. I drive
to see him. While in Boston I meet with an initial contributor,
and show him the work-in-progress. He pulls out his pen and
checkbook and writes out a check to pay for the system. I collapse
on his rug and roll around speaking in tongues of inane gratitude.
He tells me that my next project has to be writing a screenplay.
It's much cheaper, he says.
4/5/99: I start my first corporate job 9-5. Human resources
in an investment firm. I cannot believe how glad I am not getting
Calvin's coffee. DocuClub is screening my work in progress at
MOMA. It also screened in Sydney and London at their gay and
lesbian film festivals. It has also been used as an educational
tool for the Family Center in Manhattan that provides services
and research for families with life threatening diseases, and
at the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis public school in New York
City. I even made fifty dollars from the school's library.
5/15/99: The editing system is finally set up right outside
the upstairs bathroom. I'm working in a 8"X 2" space. I'm in
heaven. I can finally start to edit on my own. If I can only
figure out how to turn it on.
10/01/99: Been working with a volunteer editor, Mauricio
Lizcano two nights a week, for the past two months. Belynda
took 4 months. Not because of volume or story, I spent too
much time trying to make it perfect, titles, fades, etc. I
realized I could spend 5 years working this way so I committed
to just finding the story. No effects, titles. Just the story.
11/13/98:
I got this e-mail today from Donna Wade, one of Joe Pennell's
best friends. "Dear Jay, Joe passed away peacefully at
about 10:05pm on Friday evening, November 12. He was surrounded
by his family and a multitude of friends. Memorial arrangements
will be made Saturday afternoon, so we're guessing that it
will probably be held on Monday or maybe even Tuesday. Joe
fought harder than most ever would, and the doctor said he
sustained more medical abuse than most people could have tolerated.
We all lost a strong, brave, amazing friend tonight. Take
care and I'll keep you posted on the details."
11/16/98: Called in sick today (must have been the fish)
and took a bus to Boston. I'm so glad I went to the wake. Broke
down at the coffin. Devastated. Got a slice of pizza in Davis
Square, took the "T" to South Station and got back on the bus.
Was home at 2:00am.
11/23/98: Travel to Brazil as guest of the minister
of health to screen the 25 minute work-in-progress of UNDETECTABLE
and participate in a panel with Brazil's leading infectious
disease specialists. I was so proud. Who knew when I started
making this that it would take me to another country and connect
to people that I couldn't speak one word of their language.
It gave me renewed hope that there is interest in this subject.
It was the boost I needed. After a two month introduction
to Jonathan Demme's people by a close friend of his, I sent
the tape and materials and was blown off quite horribly. It's
par for the course. Thank god I was an actor for twelve years
and have developed a healthy resiliency for rejection. I bum
out for half a day then move on.
1/5/00: I begin work on Matilde.
As exhausted as I get when I come home from my day job I am
so grateful for the privilege to be invited in these people's
lives. It's amazing how revealing some of the scenes they
allowed me to shoot. Although I'm always physically exhausted
I'm never weary of this movie. It's the most fulfilling thing
I've ever done.
2/27/00: Matilde's finally done. I made a copy and sent
it to her. It's always nerve-wracking sending it to them for
approval. What is they hate it? By editing each story and finding
the natural arc we will then weave it all together into one
story.
3/1/00: Carole started today. I fall in love with all
these people all over again. Spending nearly every night with
them I re-live it all again and again. The sadness, joy, hope
and frustration. I talk back at the monitor.
4/10/00: Carole's done. She liked it, thank God. That
scene always gets me when she is getting her viral load results
and she realizes the drugs aren't working. That scene always
makes me cry. It's so primal and tragic and Greek.
4/20/00: Been working on Joe. This is by far the hardest,
emotionally. Because of his death, even the smallest most mundane
gesture, expression or comment takes on such significance. It's
so brutal. I keep hoping there will be a scene that will divert
the impending collision but I keep building segment into segment
that leads to his death. His hope and courage are inspiring
yet wrenching. Things just don't work out the way we planned.
What is so special about Joe is that he constantly adjusts and
accepts his diminishing choices up to the end with such grace
and dignity.
6/10/00: Gearing up for a final on-line edit beginning
July 17 An Angel, Arthur Williams from TapeHouse Editorial,
has descended from heaven. I actually applied for a job at this
man's company. Wasn't hired but I left him my work-in-progress
of UNDETECTABLE and LIFE AND DEATH ON THE A-LIST. A few months
later, I did a spot on the Barry Z show begging for money. I
think he saw it. Six months ago I ran into him at the opera,
my first, and he told me to call him when I had a rough cut.
I called him last week. I'm nearing a rough cut but still have
another two months. I called him anyway. He asked me what I
needed. An on-line and an editor. Fine, call me. I almost started
crying. One year and a half, thousands of phone calls, hundreds
of letters, forty three grant proposals and foundation rejections.
Finally. God Bless this man!
6/19/00: Currently racing against the clock editing each
person's storyline. Finished Joe's today. Transcribing the rough
cut is the most time-consuming. Every word and the in/out of
the shots. I need an intern, desperately! I've put up a couple
of signs at film schools but no takers. $8.00 and hour. We-e-e!
Just been promoted to a new job in my 9-5 world. More stress
and hours. Perfect timing.
6/20/00: Renting a car to shoot Belynda, Brudnoy, Matilde,
Anibal's family and Carole over the July 4th weekend. I'll shoot,
Belynda, Matilde and Brudnoy Saturday. I'll stop by and see
Anibal's family to offer my condolences and find out what happened.
Sunday, July, 2, I'll pick the car up in Boston, drive to the
Cape for Carole. Drive on to Truro to pick up Mike and visit
Christian. Try to rest for one day. Then drive back to New York
on the fourth. After Budget, Avis, Enterprise, National will
do it. It took one hour just to make the car arrangements. I
need two interns!
6/22/00: Got an intern. Left a desperate message for
Rebecca Levy at Joe Lovett's, Lovett Productions. This company
is another godsend to me. They are such a strong source of support.
Larrison is currently transcribing Joe Pennell's script. That's
10 hours to work on other things.
6/25/00: Worked eight hours on Brudnoy's story. Digitizing,
digitizing, digitizing. I'm nowhere near completed. Sifting
through 30 HOURS! There is no arc. How to tell a story where
nothing happens. He starts healthy and ends healthy and works
constantly. Thank God for David. AIDS doesn't affect his life
in the way it does the others. This is part of the story and
I'm glad to have this reprieve in the film but it is confounding
to find a structure. I'll find it.
6/30/00: The first of leg of the journey is finished.
Back in Boston. Work was hellishly busy. This new job is so
stressful and difficult. How am I going to finish my movie?
Often I leave at 7 p.m. I edit from 9 - 12 a.m., then back up
again at 5:30 am. Crazy. It's midnight and I need to get to
bed. Matilde, 8 a.m., dear Belynda, Brudnoy and Anibal's family
and Carole on Sunday. How am I going to do all that?
7/1/00: Eating toothbreaking corn chips and watery salsa
on Centre St. in Jamaica Plain, one block east of Anibal's.
Before I went to the Castaneda's I was so exhausted I didn't
think I would make it to their house from the "T" stop with
all my equipment strapped to every body part. Some day I'm going
to work with a crew, even if it's one sound person. I was ten
minutes late getting to Matilde. 8:10 a.m. With Matilde that's
a lot. I promised donuts for the kids and could not find a Dunkin
Donut's near where I was staying on Beacon Hill. I had to go
to Park Street. However it was sheer delight when I got there.
Matilde looks beautiful! She has these very chic yellow lensed
sun glasses. I've never seen her look so good. The kids are
big and beautiful. Christoba is doing fantastic. He was on his
way to camp. Carmen is a peer educator in the Latin community.
She goes to schools and talks with kids her own age about std's,
AIDS and addiction. Simone still wants to be a wrestler. I'm
so proud of them! Their house feels lighter and brighter. The
air doesn't feel so heavy. They are in a great period and I
felt a real privilege being able to witness it.
However, Belynda is not in a good period. She is clearly dying
and she knows it and she is enraged. Yet, she still keeps
her spirit and God is ever present in her life. She's lost
60 pounds and is extremely weak. Although her arms and legs
are very skinny her belly is distended because of the failing
liver. Derek left her and he is doing crack again. She is
waiting for a liver transplant. If she doesn't get a new one
within the year, she will die. She is making peace with her
family, friends, God and her work. Who Touched Me Ministry
will survive her and she is deeply gratified by that. She's
angry that Brudnoy and the others are doing well. I played
down Matilde and Carole. She's really irritable, uncomfortable
and weak and really hates this phase of her life. Who can
blame her? She works very hard at finding the silver lining
in this situation. Her strong faith is really carrying her.
Meeting with the Castaneda's was really amazing. Anibal had
been using heroin since his break up with Caryl Beth. I remember
during the Brudnoy radio show he kept talking and talking.
Everyone was pulling me aside to get him to shut up and that
he was high. "No way," I said, "he's in recovery".
His last year he was up to 30 bags of heroin a day. His poor
mother, who looks just like him, was crying, as she does every
day. Now for Brudnoy. What an extraordinary journey. Just
witnessing Matilde, how she was for those years and how she
is now, the same with Belynda. How hard Joe fought and watching
him fight and fight each day in his quiet focused way. It's
amazing what humans are capable of when it comes to day-to-day
survival. The ups and downs of life is really all about God.
You really see God working in all these people's lives as
He is in mine. Whatever this turns out to be it has been one
of the most profound experiences of my life.
7/2/2000: Bruds is fine. He looks exactly the same and
is doing exactly the same. I worry that his story is not dramatic
because there is no arc, nothing happens. But then again the
audience will be so relieved that nothing happens it will be
a pleasure to watch or it will be suspenseful because the audience
will be always braced for something terrible to happen, but
it never does. What I find quite interesting is that both Belynda
and Brudnoy commented that they feel less resentful toward others.
That's the one change they feel over the last year that has
occurred. A softness for Brudnoy and a resolution/acceptance
for Belynda. I
have to record my taxi conversation to the airport car rental
this morning. I flagged down a taxi, quite hard in Boston. There
just aren't any. I was in my usual packed-mule state with all
my equipment. The driver was obese and didn't lift a finger
to help me. I instantly hated him and made all these assumptions
on his ignorant life. We started talking about the Cape. I told
him I was picking up a rental car to drive to the Cape. As things
progressed I told him I was working on a documentary on AIDS
and one of the women in my film lives there. "Did she shake
the wrong hand?" "No. Her husband cheated on her."
"Really, I know nothing about this. I used to cheat on
my wife but we have four kids. I love them and I love her. She's
skinny, beautiful, never cheats on me. She doesn't give me any
affection. As soon as I put the ring on, affection went out
the window. It's still that way. 28 years of marriage, no affection.
That's why I'm so fat. I use food. I wouldn't leave her, I just
want oral sex. With her there's only one way of doing it. I
started going to other housewives in the neighborhood. They
would do oral sex. I'd give them money and I'd be done. I'd
have what I wanted and go back to bed with my wife and sleep."
"You have to wear a condom when you're having sex with
prostitutes." "Oh, I never do it with prostitutes.
I just do it with housewives for money." "If you're
going to f*** around wear a condom." We pulled up to the
car rental and he got out of the car and helped me unload my
luggage. "I'm too f***ing scared." "Don't be
scared, just wear a condom." Carole's husband Michael greeted
me with a hug and without sunglasses. I thought I was going
to keel over. What happened!?! He was never too excited to have
me around but like the other spouses I think he saw that it
meant something to Carole so he obliged. He and Carole have
really been through the wringer and have come out on the other
side, quite beautifully.
7/12/00: Work is so stressful. I come home and work on
the film, religiously. Brud's is coming along oh, so slow. I
get up at 5:30 am, run, get to work by 8-8:30 a.m. and work
until 6 or 7. I get home, eat and start editing by 9 until midnight.
I feel like I'm going to crack. I don't think I have ever worked
so hard in my life.
7/22/00: Brud's is finished. I think it's interesting.
It's not all flattering. I think he's going to freak about the
inclusion of his dating escapades. Oh well. Now I have to transcribe
the piece word for word, shot for shot. This is when I need
a full-time intern. At least I have someone to type my transcripts
into the computer.
7/29/00: I worked last night until 12:30 a.m. When I
started to work on the film this morning, Saturday, I found
a three-minute clip on my timeline that I have no recollection
of putting there. This movie is getting made in a sleep-deprived
black out.
7/30/00: Anibal's skeleton has been set. 25 minutes.
I have to cut, cut. He is too much fun to work on and I find
it all so fascinating.
8/15/00: I have all the new footage added and all the
six stories. Hooking VCR to VCR and stop and start I have a
very rough 2 hour movie with a lot of garbage in-between cuts.
I write out a script and keep honing.
9/11/00: Feeling like I have a good rough cut with every
in and out clearly logged and marked I call Arthur Williams
at Tapehouse to tell him I'm ready for my on-line. I bring up
my 200 tapes and crateful of notes and other tapes and meet
with Arthur and Mark Poloycon. They are aghast at my "off-line".
But look here are all the shots, the tapes. It's all here. I
felt like I just took a big dump on their floor. "Where's your
OMF, EDL, Beta Master?" I made my first documentary, "Life
and Death on the A-List" like this. Why can't I do UNDETECTABLE
like this? I have reached a new level of humiliation. I really
hate doing everything by myself. I learn a lot but the process
is excruciating. They very politely told me to hire an editor
and do a real off-line. Not my version of an off-line. They
are not talking weeks and weeks with me sitting next to an editor
and trying things. They are talking days. Guess what? No Sundance.
10/15/00: Trying to raise more money for my off-line
I went back to Dan Algrant at the Wellspring Foundation. He
couldn't have been more encouraging to me. I can re-submit.
Bless him.
11/08/00: I've called about ten editors and they are
all unavailable or too expensive. I think I might go with an
intern. Maybe he would be really good. He's been an assistant
on a couple of films. He has to start somewhere and I'm desperate
to get this finished. I have a screening at the Guggenheim in
December 1. They want 15 minutes. I'll have him do it and see
how it works out.
12/03/00: It doesn't work with the assistant editor.
A nice kid but way too green. George, my original editor can
do it. He has five weeks. I take it. He says it can't be done.
I tell him it can. I spent a year editing it down to 2 hours.
He just has to add his magic touches to give it a shape. I have
no money but we start editing at Lovett Productions on the 17th.
12/10/00: My friend Grant Schneider offers his penthouse
apartment to throw me a fundraiser. The stress between the job,
the movie, the holidays, and this fundraiser has me so tightly
wound I could snap and break into a thousand pieces if the wind
was strong enough.
12/20/00: My friend Bernard Olstein cooked a delicious
party and my friends Richard Stegman and Hal Simons served.
What would I do without these guys. The party was sparsely attended
but it served it's purposes. I sent out invitations to people
that I knew would not be able to attend but they graciously
sent in checks. People are always looking to give away money
at the end of the year. I make the first two weeks payment.
We are editing. I'm so glad to have George.
12/23/00: Jim McNabb, takes Mike and me to the King Cole
bar at the St. Regis for Brunch. He writes out a check that
will cover all George's editing expenses. I can't hold it in
anymore and break down into a puddle of tears. God Bless Him!
12/29/00: Scott Killian signs on to do my music. He's
done a lot of theater and I know his boyfriend, Ron Bagden,
the actor. It's funny, before I even met him I knew I wanted
to him to do the music for this. He's phenomenal. Really talented
and hard working. He really adds a lot to the film.
1/05/01: I get a call from Dan Algrant
at the Wellspring Foundation. They have awarded me another grant
that will cover my off-line rental and the on-line expenses
that I agreed to pay Arthur. I was at work so I didn't cry.
But I did a little "touchdown" dance in my cubicle.
1/09/01: The film is really coming along. It will get
done. Thank God I did all that pre-edit. George tells me his
new job that was supposed to start the first of February is
starting next week and he has to be there. It's more money.
It's a film for IFC about sex in independent movies. I hate
these people. I'm sure they are really nice people but I still
hate them and their stupid sex projects that add nothing to
the world except minor distraction and titillation for 60 minutes,
yet people throw thousands and thousands of dollars at them
to make this crap. My next project is going to be about big-breasted
18 year old blonde girls who spit. I'll get millions to make
it, I'm sure.
1/20/01: I hire a friend of George's that comes in and
cleans things up for a couple of weeks. I miss George. To his
credit, he works for me at night and on weekends for free. I
am one week away from meeting the Los Angeles Film Festival
Final deadline. I call Thomas Ethan Harris, the programmer,
who I met at the Film Market that I thought was a bust, and
beg him for another week extension. Thomas is a filmmakers dream
and diehard ally. He absolutely loves film and understands the
hazards of filmmaking. He says "no problem".
2/15/01: The off-line rough cut has been sent to LA for
the festival.
3/10/01: Thomas Ethan Harris calls me and asks if I want
to be in the Los Angeles Film Festival. Let me thinkÉ
3/20/01: Tapehouse Editorial is finishing my on-line.
Adam Wolman and Doug Senger have been the editor and sound mixer,
respectively. They did an amazing job. Their studios are right
out of star track. It's a far cry from my G-3 and edit/dv software.
3/28/01: It's done! It's winging it's way to the Los
Angeles Film Festival. I hired a massage therapist for the staff
at Tapehouse. They have really been so kind to me. This movie
would not have happened without them. They saved me over 20
thousand dollars! I owe them my life.
4/10/01: All this press stuff!! How to get a documentary
about AIDS on the radar. Ed Burns' new movie or UNDETECTABLE?
Gee.. that's a tough one. I just have to send out the press
kits and do a follow up phone call and let it go. I'll make
myself miserable if I don't.
4/20/01: Great filmmakers lunch sponsored by the festival.
Outside, palm trees, lots of sunglasses. Very L.A.. I'm really
excited to be here.
4/22/01: The screening went well. It was exciting. People
are complaining that the festival hasn't been well attended
and seems very quiet. There wasn't a peep about my movie. These
things can be such a cesspool of greed and jealousy if you let
it get to you. Fortunately I've got good friends out here, particularly
Patrick Kerr, the actor. He's one of my best friends. We just
hang around laugh and see movies and eat burritos. There were
some great movies, Law of Enclosures, based on Dale Peck's novel,
The King is Alive, an new dogma film; and A Friend Like Harry,
a French film. I want to make a dogma film. They knock me out.
I'm having a great time here.
4/24/01: The best part of this festival is the 10:00
a.m. coffees. Board members and filmmakers get a chance to meet
one another. I also loved the belly dancing dinner. That was
a total blast! The coffees are great because they are low key
and people seem nicer in the morning. Mornings are great because
in most cases people haven't been too traumatized by the days
events and are kinder. By nighttime someone invariably learns
a rival got a better distribution deal or they learned their
next project was sent to turnaround and they become hateful.
4/26/01: My last day and screening. It was at the Sunset
Lemmle. I loved that theater. Undetectable looked and sounded
great. I introduced my film to the audience and made a mad dash
across the street to attend a networking party with Bunim-Murray,
the makers of Real World. I thought my movie would be perfect
calling card to eventually work with them. Some of the executives
were nice, gave me their card. There was absolutely no interest.
The best way to get rid of people, give them your card. I ran
back to my screening and almost got hit crossing the street.
After I settled in and watched the remaining hour and twenty
minutes I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment. This was
the movie I wanted to make and I did it. All this other stuff,
the parties, the press, the next job, is toxic, yet necessary.
It all comes back to the work. If you're not telling a story
you burn to tell, why put yourself through all this torture?
5/10/01: Festivals and more festivals. I'm glad I started
with the LA Film Festival. It's mainstream. I'm doing a lot
of the gay festivals which I am glad about but I don't want
to ghettoize my film. It's not a gay film. It's about all people.
Frameline in San Francisco are flying me out and putting me
up at a hotel. We-e-e-e!
6/1/01:
New York Times Film Critic, gives UNDETECTABLE a glowing review
in the Times today. It was in the New Festival and he singled
it out, starting the column with my film. What a gem.
6/20/01: I got a package from PBS today. I have been
accepted into the Independent Lens program at PBS. They pick
10 films and I was one of them. I can't believe it! Suddenly
this package arrives and boom, my life changes. I have to call
and make sure this is real.
6/21/01: It's real. My God there are so many deliverables
I don't understand a thing in this redbook. It's all due in
2 months. I have to cut 25 minutes out of it, figure out all
the underwriting and PBS logo placement, website, on-air offer,
make 2 trailers. I just found out I'll be starting a new job
in another department but until they find a replacement for
me I have to work two jobs and yesterday afternoon I found out
my father has three months to live. He hasn't allowed me into
his house in 10 years after I told him I was gay. What the hell
happened to the planets?
7/2/01: I send Brudnoy, Carole, Belynda, Matilde, Joe
and Anibal's family, a press packet of all the mentions and
the good news about PBS. I want them to know this is not dead
in the water
7/10/01:
Work is beyond stressful. I'm in Training and Development now.
Still in HR. I like it better. If only I could do just one thing.
I'm still doing my old job. I have cornered George to give me
two weekends to help me cut the film, Scott is making new music,
and Arthur has agreed to another sound mix and on-line. I need
more money to finish. The insurance and title clearance is $4,000,
almost half of what I am being paid by PBS. I got a call today
at work from a radio station in Philadelphia that wants to interview
me about my film. My boss was standing right outside my door.
I discreetly close my door and have the 5 minute interview and
race to my next HR appointment. The people around me are always
commenting that I seem to always be in a hurry always running.
7/16/01: After a fun-filled weekend at the Philadelphia
Gay and Lesbian Film Festival I had to rushed back today and
accept the best documentary award and collect a $500.00 check.
They were so nice to me. They had me on NBC yesterday and really
showed me a great time. I had a great time with the other filmmakers.
Barbara Hammer, Dan Butinowsky from All Over The Guy and me
were on a panel. I really hit it off with both of them. We hung
out all night at a filmmaker's reception. This is festival is
a little jewel.
7/21/01:
Belynda has been on the front page of the Boston Herald and
Boston Globe all weekend on every news channel. Her HMO, Harvard
Pilgrim, denied coverage of her liver transplant on grounds
that it was experimental. She sued. Now everyone is back tracking
and a fund was created for her to have the operation. Over $300,000
was raised. She is on the cover of the Herald today accepting
a check from Mayor Menino. You go GIRL!!! I just called her.
She got real sick from all the stress of the past week and is
back in the hospital. She's sounds so weak. She sounds hopeful.
7/25/01: I'm getting about 20 e-mails a day from various
departments at PBS. Interactive, Policy, Publicity, Legal, Underwriting,
I can't keep it straight. I think most people that have a film
playing on PBS don't have a full-time 50 hour a week job. George
and Scott have been so helpful at cutting and changing shots
and sound. I think the movie is much stronger in it's 56:46
version. Bruds thinks I should be shooting the Belynda story.
How the hell can I add anything? I have to CUT, CUT, CUT. I'll
add a new card to her epilogue.
8/5/01: I have two weeks to get everything in. The film
has to go to Pillar to Post for a technical review and close
captioning by the 15th. I have to raise $5,000 in ten hours
and I don't have a clue as to how I'm going to raise it.
8/6/01: David Landay suggested I call Tom Viola of Broadway
Cares Equity Fights AIDS. I call Tom and to my surprise he picks
up the phone. I try to conceal my panic and ask. He calls me
back in two hours telling me to come by and pick up a three
thousand dollar check. God Bless Tom, Arthur, Jim and all the
others who helped me in the final hour.
8/12/01: My father was recently diagnosed with mylodysplesia
which is a deadly blood disease. He is not able to make white
blood cells or platelets. Through the past few nights I have
been at his house changing his bloody diapers every three hours.
I am so sleep deprived. As my father was getting his third platelet
transfusion. It was the first time in 11 years that I was invited
into his house. I was able to tell him that I still loved him
even though he was extremely cruel to me these past 11 years.
In all honesty, I told him I was proud to be his son. Before
his banishment he was quite loving to me and taught me many
great things. I was glad I could feel that again for him.
8/18/01: The final 56:46 version was sent to Pillar to
Post for a final technical review and close captioning. They
send it to PBS. It's DONE!!!!!!
8/23/01: Press!! Press!! Press!! Too much! Poor Cara
White has 10 movies to push. Carriage reports. When are stations
airing it? What is the paper for that city? Who is the reporter
for that city? Augh!! How the hell do we navigate this?
9/11/01: Everything I have been worrying about has taken
a back seat. We have been attacked. The World Trade Center destroyed.
I live a mile from the World Trade Center and am in the locked
zone below 14th street. It's a war zone, checkpoints, smoke,
dust, police, emergency vehicles. It's beyond surreal. I left
work at 3 p.m. It took 2 hours to get home. It normally takes
20 minutes. The bus I was on stopped at 26th St. and everyone
had to get off. The street was filled with military men with
machine guns. I walked home and got my camera and shot until
midnight. Got four blocks away from "Ground Zero."
9/12/01: Didn't go to work. Started shooting at 6 a.m.
The air has gotten worse. Smoke everywhere. Another building
collapsed. Food staples are running out in our local grocery
store. It's really shocking. Everyone is just stunned. I don't
know how people have survived in Israel, Northern Ireland, the
Balkans, Rwanda and many other war torn areas. The thought of
caring about a press release about Undetectable seems ludicrous.
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